Cuckoo Callay, Newtown (Mar-15) (♦♦)

Cuckoo Callay, Newtown (Mar-15) (♦♦)

Cuckoo Callay, Newtown (Mar-15) (♦♦)

Like a school bully, a distasteful attempt to be different.

Cuckoo Callay has an enchanting bacon selection. ‘Normal‘ items are an afterthought best forgotten.

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Wind the clock back one day … 4 hours, 45km running up a 1.6km vertical ascent in my maiden Six Foot Track marathon. Delayed hunger was rearing its nasty head 24 hours later.

I love the pink pig with balloon-like proportions on the menu. Enough to scare any vegetarian away. Probably highly arousing for everyone else (including Lorie).

Cuckoo Callay – 12 week Bacon Festival is on.

If the $20-odd prices are an eye-sore, then add gimmicky dish names and you’ve got menu conjunctivitis.

Cinderella’s Breakfast is one of few interesting yet healthy choices. In the waitresses words – ‘our dishes are very large‘.

Cinderella’s Breakfast – pumpkin fritters, house cured salmon, poached egg, basil pesto and tomato – $18

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Though I expected a certain fritter-crispiness, the pumpkin was beautifully silky. What a shame it was so unseasoned. Salmon was strangely tough but yummy and I enjoyed the pesto. Let’s be honest, the suspense of a poached egg lies in the magical moment that follows …

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I’m going to show the before shot again because the egg is like a pimple waiting to be penetrated.

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Back to the flavours. Any such pros were railroaded by the miserable portion size. Appreciate times are tough, but that’s no excuse for rationing a single cherry tomato with the neighbouring table.

The biggest culinary tragedy is when the fork and stomach violently disagree. With an empty plate and no food to stab, my stomach was one unhappy customer.

Dish 2 is #Hashtag Browns 3.0. Try reconciling that name to fried croquettes with an egg, half an avocado and two rashes of bacon.

#Hashtag Browns 3.0 – Basil and cheese croquettes, poached egg, pea puree, avocado and bacon

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Croquettes were the unremarkable highlight. Satisfaction of a cheesy ‘crunch’ is similar to an arancini ball. The avocado and pea puree was creamy but added little flavour-wise.

How do you distinguish between ‘Black Forest Smokehouse’ and supermarket bacon? (i) price, and (ii) word count. I don’t understand the hype.

Best element of the dish? The croquette.

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The waitress was desperate to please as I paid. Puppy dog eyes plus a confession that I was still hungry worked a charm. It was now the reverse of me feeding a crippled dog on the streets of Cambodia 5 years ago. In a moment of sincere pity, she awarded me choc-covered crispy bacon.

Choc-covered crispy bacon – complimentary

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You’d think chocolate and fried bacon is a water-tight marriage of obesity. It was hard to overcome the damp cardboard-like texture suggesting day-old product. Shame shame shame.

Today’s takeaway – the 12 week Bacon Festival is indeed a guise for an overpriced, gimmicky cafe that plays to an unsuspecting crowd.

Score summary below:
– Food (♦♦♦♦) – well dressed chefs, fancy kitchen but no skills with a salt and pepper shaker?
– Value (♦♦) – terribly small portions not reconciling with $20 mains
– Other (♦♦♦♦) – loved the pig, waitress absolutely faultless in her efforts.
– Overall (♦♦) – if it wasn’t for the free choc-covered bacon, I’d be in tears.

Conclusion – you really need to LOVE bacon to even consider coming here.

Would I return?
No.

Cuckoo Callay Menu, Reviews, Photos, Location and Info - Zomato

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